Friday, June 1, 2012

Approaching a Vanilla Girlfriend/Wife about being Submissive.

If you have a vanilla girlfriend or wife and you want to move the relationship into a kinky direction, you will need to do it delicately. It took me four years to get my wife to the spot where she was ready to be my submissive.

Before You Get Started - Be a Catch
Being a good Dominant is started with being a good person. If a woman cannot trust you, she will never submit to you. You need to be able to take care of your own life before you try to control someone else's. If your fantasies are really important to you, you won't mind working your ass off to make them reality.

  • Have your finances in order.
  • Have goals with your life and accomplish them.
  • Be independent. You cannot support someone else if you cannot support yourself.
  • Show her that you can focus on her best interests. Do simple stuff like remember he birthday, cheer her on when she succeeds, comfort her and tell her everyone else is wrong when she fails.
  • Be a man of integrity. When you give your word keep it. When it is your responsibility, do it. 
  • Make her feel special as often as you can.

You don't have to be Mr. Perfect, but you do need to be working toward Mr Perfect. If you can't be an awesome boyfriend or husband, you'll make a far far worse Master, and I cannot help you.

Step One - Tell her your intentions!
If your wife/girlfriend already knows you're kinky, and you already know she isn't, skip this step.

This needs to be done very early in the relationship, but don't spring it on the first date! Wait until things have are steady. You're over those new girlfriend jitters, and you're really clicking with them. This will almost inevitably happen you have that first "So what do you like in bed?" talks.

Be honest, tell her your fantasies.
Make it very clear that a kinky lifestyle is very important to you, but don't make it an ultimatum.
Use common keywords: M/s, BDSM, Slave, etc. She'll be Googling this stuff later and you want to point her in the right direction. 

Don't overwhelm her or spill every little detail about what a M/s relationship is.
Don't expect her to know what to say, this will be strange to her. She will want to think about it, and will probably want to talk about something else.
Don't drag it out unless she continues asking question.
Don't read to much into her reaction. She will very likely brush it off or go "Hmmmm". Don't worry, she'll be thinking about it.

Telling her your intentions does two important things for your relationship:
As you move forward she isn't blindsided by you. She has the opportunity to look into it, and she'll know a little bit about what she is getting into. This is part of being honest and open with her. It is very healthy for the relationship.

It has also given you a look into her potential kinks. No matter the style of relationship, fulfilling her needs has to be more important then filling your own. Between now and the next step, fulfill all her fantasies, and do it on a regular basis.

Note: If her fantasy is to have sex in a 5-Star resort in a foreign country you should take out the "do it on a regular basis" bit.

Step Two - It All Starts in the Bedroom
You never want to let her forget your kinky side. On the other hand you don't want to overwhelm her. Begin introducing little things into sex:

  • Talk dirty in a masculine way. 
  • Hold her hands down.
  • Tie her hands up.
  • Spank her a little.
  • Be aggressive.

If she says she likes something develop that area a little more. If she likes it when you tie her hands up, start doing that a little more and in different positions.

If she doesn't like something, back off! You never know when you might be treading on a phobia, or suppressed feelings. My wife was abusively spanked when she was little as a result spanking her as a punishment is something I simply cannot do as it is physiologically terrifying for her.

Never forget her desires and fantasies. They may be vanilla and as simple as "Snuggle me after sex." but they are still important to her.

Step Three - Compromise
This step is always the hardest. Even if you are the Master you will still need to make compromises. There will be some things she will never be able to do, and you will have to give up on some fantasies.

Just let it go, trust me its worth it. Find the things she does like, or the things she can accept and build on those. For me the to key elements were bondage, diapers and spanking. I had to accept that spanking was out of the question.

Step Four - Show Her How Good it can Be.
This is the longest step. If by now she still likes you then you know you're on the right track. You want to identify her passions. Find out what she wants in life. Does she want to lose 20lbs? Does she want to go back to school? Does she want to become a doctor? Find out what makes her tick, what excites her, and gets her up in the morning.
Once you know what her goals are, be that person who won't let her give up. Be encouraging and supportive, but if you see her slipping, firmly remind her why shes doing it.
My wife wanted to compete in a fitness competition. This requires a strict diet and workout regiment. I asked her about the diet, and learned what she could eat and what she couldn't. I also asked her about her workouts and what she needed to do. She loved that I was taking interest in her life.
Then, whenever I saw her about to cheat on her diet, I would tell her no. This was the first big step in being in charge. Deep down she didn't want to sneak that cookie. When I told her no, it was strict and somewhat patronizing, but it was what she wanted. Not only did she submit, she did it gladly and enjoyed it.
Do this more and more. Find the areas she doesn't like about herself and help her overcome them.

What you may not realize is this is core to being a Master. If you aren't making someone better, you aren't a good Master. Overtime you'll be in a M/s relationship without either of you realizing it. The only thing missing is the kinky side. Once she is submitting to your authority in things like getting good grades in school, or meeting quotas at work, or sticking to diets, adding the kinky side isn't a big step.

Step Five - Trial Run
Sit down with your girl and talk. Show her how you have been in charge of aspects of her life from Step Four, and tell her you'd like to be in complete charge of her life. Be honest and straightforward. Remember at this point:

  • She knows you are a great guy.
  • She knows this has been a goal of yours for a long time.
  • She likes aspects of it in bed.
  • You have changed and compromised some of your fantasies to fit her better.
  • She knows you being in charge in certain areas has been great for her life.

Propose a trial run. Ask her for 1 week of submission. Tell her what that means and how it would change things. Make it very simple, and only try to do a little bit. For example, if she wants to lose 2 lbs this week, tell her to write down when she will workout all week. Then, tell her she'll be punished if she doesn't workout. Tell her she'll be punished if she doesn't meet her goal of 2 lbs for the week. This needs to be an area she actually has trouble with, there needs to be a good chance she will actually fail at some point.

During the week be firm and loving. Do not back down from your promise to punish her if she fails. Whatever her punishment is, once its over hold her and tell her you love her. Make sure she knows you want whats best for her.
You want this week to be very good for her, though not deceivingly so. Don't make it a good week just so she agrees to be submissive. Make it an example of what life with you as Master would mean for her.

At the end of the week ask for her thoughts and ask if she liked it. Listen very very carefully to any complaints she has. Unless she simply hated it, ask her for a month. After a month, if you have been a good Master, she should be ready to make it permanent.


  1. Where can I find a man like you?

  2. Thank you for this.
    I come from the other side, "what if my boyfriend says he wants to __________ me?" So I find your guidance for the dom side really helpful in my understanding of things. Thanks!

  3. What if your a vanilla girl with submissive fantasies and doesn't know how to ask her husband to dominate her?

    1. Step one.
      Tell him! Be honest and if he has any Alpha in him, he'll respond!
      Be appreciative of him.

  4. Dear Author,
    I have recently read some of your writings and would like to add some of them to a BDSM library I am building on Facebook. It is a group I have created to collect valid knowledge of the lifestyle for people like myself who have difficulty obtaining legitimate information. Most so called "informational" groups are nothing more than picture galleries that ask the same questions over and over such as "Would you let your partner poop on you?" The lack of true information in Facebook groups lead me to open my own where the experienced can share and the new can learn. Your work would be a valuable addition to our library and it would be an honor if you would allow me to create some files from your blogs in it. This is a link to the group if you would like to check it out. My email is Please let me know if this would be acceptable, what I may use and how. Thank you for your attention.
    Julie Jynx

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. Its been exactly 2yrs to the day since you wrote your one and only post. Why did you stop?? Please come back and write more, I really enjoyed your piece.

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